you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
