I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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