i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
