i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
