its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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