we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
