The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
