I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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