If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
