u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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