I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You made out with two different species that night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
