I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
