i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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