Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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