but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
