It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
