Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
