fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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