I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
