My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
