If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
