if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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