life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
