I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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