i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
