the condom got lost in my hair
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
