dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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