I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
