I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
