Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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