I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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