Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
