There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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