When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
