I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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