Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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