you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
