If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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