I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
