You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
