i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My ass is underappreciated
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
