i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
