I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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