guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You ruined the universe
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize