She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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