you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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