Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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