so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
