when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
