I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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