Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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