he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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