i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
