i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
