If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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