He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just invented taco cereal.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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