His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
