I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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