True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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