So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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