I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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