I can't breathe out the right side of my face
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
