I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So much rum. So many feels.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All the doctor said was why
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
