Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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