Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
